out of body experience..?

i dont know why but i feel like im just going through the motions. maybe ill feel this way until im actually where i WANT to be..where i NEED to be. i cant shine here, nothing 'greater' is here for me. not now anyways. need to hustle hard and make shit happen! *sigh* still, it sucks to feel like im just going through the motions. all these amazing things are happening to my me and those in my 'circle' and in just about a months time! its a siiiggggnnnn!! looks like within the next 2-3 years we will be fancy nancys, weirdos, dysfuncfam in c-a-l-i...how exciting. after ca maybe NYC!! damn that would be soooo fucking crazzyy!!!!! <3 a girl can dream. go big or go home. =D

smiles in twilight

as much as i didnt want to, i just HAD to see what the hype was about. caved last week and started to read the twilight series. finished all four books in a week. scary right?! the first two were nothing memorable, but the third and fourth i couldnt put down!! i read the last two in the span of a day and a half. WTF right?! i have to admit though that they are very well written and easy to read. i can see why everyones so crazy about it. I however am NOT a twilight fanatic!! there were moments though that made me want to die die die. im such a softy for lovey dovey crap. ugh!


got a call from an alien in the middle of the day..i could HEAR the smile in his voice. when good things happen to good deserving people it makes me soo genuinely happy. even more so when it happens to aliens =) i was in awe though to receive the call to share such good news with me. i am scared to admit, but i am preparing myself for the possibility that one day it could all be gone. maybe the realization will hit like a ton of bricks and the extra terrestrial will just...be over it. *sigh* always the worry wort. in any case im super happy for the e.t. and for myself. whatever happens, happens. i have high hopes and positive thoughts regardless of my over-analyzing ways. =)

fuel to the fire

so this grand plan i have.. i thought it would take much longer due to the fact that i want to be doing what i do now, where ever i may go. BUT silly me, in all my haste to "get the facts" i misread and didnt get the facts. turns out its easier than i thought for an out of state licensed person to apply for the exam/licensing. i just about went into a hyperventilating fit just now after getting my facts straight. OMFG. have you any idea what this means?!?!? the ONLY big thing holding me back now is money. *sigh* back to reality. money is the BIGGGGEEESSSTTTT and most important part of this whole equation. money. just have to hustle harder i guess =) im so determined. funny how through the toughest of times, there is still a glimmer of hope. a light at the end of the tunnel.


i feel so grateful to you, for being brave (or stupid) enough to let me go..i am alive again. sucks for you (maybe) but i wouldve found myself eventually....I AM ALIVE AGAIN. looking back on all those years i was just a shell. living in constant worry-what if, what if. never again will i have that problem. i am me. love me or leave me. plain and simple :) the end was the best thing that happened to me thus far. thanks for that.


i am struggling so much right now in different aspects of life, but i couldnt be happier. i have the support and love of some amazing people, and a strong sense of self. i have never been happier. i am SO ready for whatever life has coming my way. how exciting.

struggles and sweet taste of success

i believe that anything worthwhile in life, doesnt come easy. you have to work at it, work for it, work to keep it.. struggle is a part of life and it helps to build character, make you a stronger person, keep you grounded, whatever. i am definitely at this crossroad in my life. i have never had so much inner conflict, or financial struggles before. its stressful and a downer, but i welcome it openly. i know at at the end of this i will be a better person and in a better place (both literally and figuratively). i have a 'thing' that i could not be happier to have. its really helping me to keep my head up. its also a big help that i have the support of some amazing friends. go big or go home, you know how i do...struggle now, persevere, and enjoy the fruits of my labor later. i am so excited. big things are coming my way, or more so i am making big things happen!! smile. be grateful. visualize. have expectations. i am doing all of them! aliens and nancys are so amazing..i..am..so..blessed..

bittersweet reality

the past 5 days have been soooooo crazy!! it was probably the most fun i've had in 5 consecutive days. i knew it would be fun, but my vacation truly surpassed any expectations i might have had.

heres a breakdown (or what i can remember..madness i tell you)

day one:
-arrive at LAX in the afternoon, baggage claim took fucking FOREVER
-hellos and drive to aliens house
-hellos again, shot, and walk to get beeer
-dinner and sake bombs at gyukaku
-over to chinatown for drinking, crazy good music, and tons of DANCING! =D
-had fun..hehe

day two:
-start the day with patron shots..
-yummy mexican food for a bday lunch with a gajillion people
-nappy fun time
-'neon' themed bday party..writing and getting written with hilighters
-back to the house for VODKA!!!!!! drunken ipod chillin, and dancing....!!
-passed out secret ninja style with the trash can next to me

day three:
-lazy lazy sunday..
-went all over..beach, mall, pier
-watched russell peters soooooo funny!!
-went to RA got drunk yet again..kirins, and jager bombs..crown and pine? cant rememeber
-sleepy fun time

day four:
-fun morning
-buffalo exhange, stussy, undefeated, beverly center..
-crazy crazy 15minutes of madness at trader joes
-super secret fun
-anaheim fun, broken glass, beer on balls..passed out people. LOL

day five:
-'hawaiian' breakfast
-PS I LOVE YOU
-unstable virgo time..


then came the hard part.. getting on the plane to come back "home" this trip really changed me. well idk if i can say it CHANGED me, or just validated my feelings of hawaii not being "right" for me, for now... i think maybe everyone who even remotely knows me can kind of see that... i am determined to make it on my own, away from here. go big or go home, thats how i do.. watch out world, here i come!!